Cold, dark winter days are upon us. In the freezing evenings, I like to blast some popcorn, pour myself a tall glass of hot cocoa, snuggle beneath a heated blanket, and watch a movie.
Here are 5 of the worst “films” I’ve ever seen without wearing shoes.
- Wicker Man
Nick Cage tries to move his botox infested forehead and punches women in the face. He gets covered with angry bees and his legs smashed before he’s stuffed into a Giant Neo-Pagan Kewpie doll and burned alive for it. At least the movie has a happy ending.
- Surf Tribe
The people who made this movie are so ashamed that it doesn’t even appear in the Internet Movie Database. I think I rented this on video. I am not sure how it came to me. I remember watching it in Santa Cruz with my wife when we lived on Seabright Ave. At any rate, this film has the heart rending sappy story-line about a dying surfer and of course it somehow involves the ever so popular Hollywood star of the sea: the much beloved dolphin. The amazing thing about this movie is not the boon mic that creeps on screen or the bad halogen lighting that casts the shadows of camera crew’s jeans on the walls of interior scenes or even the terrible acting, it’s the lack of stock dolphin footage. The whole premise of this movie rests on the dolphin’s dorsal fin, yet none of porpoises appear on screen. In place of the noble sea beast, we get shots of a broken surfboard and the corpse of cripple surfer sinking below the big waves of Cancun: another movie with a terrifically happy ending.
- Titanic II
This epic Fail was just crappy enough to make it into the internet movie database. I think the title for Titanic II is a good enough clue to the caliber of film making and amount of thought put into this movie.
This flick will make you question the validity of open source CG. The fuzzy, blurry, “wake “of ship looks like milk and the deep ocean waters look like striped jello; it’s the kind of CG, you get from the freeware version of Bryce. I wouldn’t be surprised if the images were edited with MS Paint or GIMP (Oh, forgive me opensource-land. GIMP is barefooter’s image program if ever I’ve seen one. But I married Photoshop a few years ago and I don’t cheat.) In this meaningless remake, which is fobbed off as a sequel to James Cameron‘s epic film, the dashing captain who arrives on the ship via a giant whirling grey blur that is supposed to be a “helicopter” drowns saving the ships passengers and his lover, thus adding to list of happy endings.
- The Entire Twitlight Saga
Stephenie Meyer and her Morman sensibilities have sucked the life from vampire lore and padded on a thin coat of white powder that doesn’t cover all of Edwards neck in the cafeteria scene of the first movie. Mrs. Meyer offers the dandiest, shallowest, de-caffeinatest vampires ever to sparkle and glow in the light of DAY!!! Yep. Her deadly creatures of the night look prettier in the sunlight!!!
Stephanie, my dear, the entire point–a point that every other author respects about vampires and vampiric lore–is that Dracula and Daylight don’t go together!!!! Not only is the nocturnal nature of vampire a symbol of their devilish drift, but it also adds a critical and essential weakness. In the stupid world of Stephanie Meyers, there is NOTHING that can defeat the gaunt, lifeless vampires or dark, hunky werewolves. The deadly daylight bloodsucking demons can devour the entire world in shiny sparkles. How nice. The only thing this movie has going for it is the cannibalistic baby who feasts on its mother’s innards. Even the High Prince of Darkness would consider that to be a little twisted. Dear Stephanie, ask one of your husbands ex-wives for some coffee.
This movie was so lousy, my wife was forced to watch parts of it in class at UCSC. She was taking a course–this is NOT a lie–about the films of John Carpenter (Big Trouble in Little China, Halloween, Escape from New York, and They Live). Her professor, who is a renown Chaucer expert, used Showgirls as an example of “naive camp”. The scene he showed was supposed to be sexy and serious, but really it was silly and hilarious. What can I say about a movie whose main character has the high aspiration of professionally licking dirty brass poles as a Las Vegas Stripper? I suppose can say that Nick Cage should force his forehead to watch it, instead of botox.