My Exclusive Interview with Gorn, the Mighty
Valen (v): What is it like to be a reptilian humanoid?
Gorn (g): I’m not a reptilian humanoid.
v: But you have scales, teeth, and a forked tongue.
g: Fish have scales. I’m not a fish.
v: Your logic is infallible.
g: I kick ass at logic. I’ll beat any Vulcan in a logic brawl.
v: I was being ironic. But Vulcans are pretty logical.
g: I’m logicaler. That’s how I killed Lieutenant Kirk.
v: You didn’t kill Captain Kirk; he kicked your ass in that episode.
g: Lieutenant Kirk tasted like a hot and crispy Onion Rings. I am deeply saddened that I did not have some zesty dipping sauce for him.
v: I think you’re a few pages short of a novel. Did you eat his shoes too?
g: No, Lieutenant Kirk was barefoot.
v: What are you talking about? Captain Kirk was wearing USS Enterprise Federation issued boots.
g: I was wearing the Romulan issued boots you speak of. I run in them all the time. Boots are the best way to run.
v: Your were shoeless in that episode. Besides, I’d rather run with broken beer bottles on my feet than run in boots.
g: How would you know about the many comforts and wonders of Romulan boots. You just want to argue.
v: But, you weren’t wearing boots in that episode. You were clearly shoeless. Look at this picture.
g: I see that you are not interested in logical discussion, just wrestling with words. Have brought the required sacrifice of lambs, goats, and pigs?
v: Yes. Can we down to the topic of barefoot running?
g: We were on the topic of barefoot running. It’s stupid and it’s bad for you.
v: How so?
g: Isn’t it obvious? Shoes are made for running. If you run without shoes it’s bad for you. You can’t fight logic.
v: There’s no logic in that argument.
g: That’s totally choke-you-out, infallible logic. You just can’t see it because you’re an illogical hippie.
v: I’m too young to be a hippie.
g: Hippie is as hippie does. Send in the clowns–I mean goats.
v: An interesting slip, Gorn. Do you like clowns?
g: I don’t eat clowns
v: Why not?
g: They taste like hippies.
v: What’s wrong with hippies?
g: They taste like clowns.
v: I see. I was hoping to get at barefoot running.
g: You are just trying to make me spit fireballs. I already told you barefoot running is great for your health.
v: You said it was bad and stupid.
g: Are you calling me a liar?
v: I think you might have misspoken.
g: Oh, so you’re calling me stupid. Gorn the mighty, the universe’s toughest logician.
v: No, I’m calling you fallible.
g: You dare speak to Gorn the mighty with such disrespect!? Typical hippie when your logic crumbles, you attack the reptile, I mean the human.
v: Aha! You admit you’re a reptilian.
g: Have you seen “Black Swan”?
v: Don’t change the subject.
g: Have you?
v: Yes, I wasn’t all that impressed with it.
g: You remind of the lizard in that movie.
v: I don’t recall a lizard
g: Yes, the bulgy eyed lizard in that movie–the one that lied to the townspeople.
v: I think you’re thinking of the movie Rango, not Black Swan.
g: It was Black Swan, you are the black swan that told everyone you were a crack shot and then made the whole town die of thirst.
v: Rango saves the town in that movie.
g: The black swan kills the whole town and the rattle snake eats them. I hope you’re happy.
Shortly after this interview, Gorn attempted to eat what he thought was a goat, but what was in reality a rusty propane tank.
Rest In Pieces, Gorn the Mighty. May you sleep better than I spell.