Tom Swifties

A few days ago I was rummaging through my stacks of books looking for something that I could sell on e-bay, when I came across a book I read a long ,long time ago. It is a book about how to write comedy. I bought it because I wanted to make money writing and thought that comedy might be a good way to break into the business. I know I read it thoroughly because it has those white lines that crack down the spine when you spread the middle pages wide and press down too hard.

Needless to say, my comedy writing career never took off; probably because I never wrote much comedy or submitted my work. I did, however, use some of the techniques from the book for other freelance writing jobs. Eventually, other pursuits filled my time and I wrote less and less.  But somewhere inside, I’ve always had the desire to do a stand-up routine, not because I think I’m particularly funny or because I think I have fantastic stage presence, but because a stand-up comedy set absolutely terrifies me. My brain can hardly conjure a more difficult, awkward, or unforgiving public speaking predicament.

Performing a stand-up comedy routine officially replaces my previous public speaking goal, which was to preach a fire and brimstone sermon to a packed auditorium. Since I’m no longer a fanatical evangelical,  I’ll skip that oratorial Armageddon in favor of the mic, spotlight, and brick wall at Helium comedy club in Portland Oregon where once a month they let wannabe comedians take the stage for a five-minute routine in front of a live audience.

To that end, the book that I rediscovered offers many fun, and sometimes galling, writing exercises for developing a humorous facility with words. The exercise that I’d like to share is the Tom Swifty.  Tom Swifities are quotes followed by an adverb or adverbial phrase, which serves as the punchline to the quote. For example, “Pass me the shellfish,” said Tom crabbily. That’s not one of mine. Here are some of mine:

  1. “That girl with the strong jawline is beautiful,” said Tom gayly.
  2. “These prunes aren’t dry enough,” Tom said with aplomb.
  3. “This Chinese Chicken is delicious,” Tom said doggedly. (It’s not racist, if you laughed.)
  4. “Our paper comes out four times a month,” said Tom weakly.
  5. “These sticks of dynamite are duds,” said Tom explosively.
  6. “This is how you end sentences,” Tom said periodically.
  7. “I won the hotdog eating contest!!!” Tom said frank-fully.
  8. “Lord, bless our food,” said Tom gracefully.
  9. “July has ended,” Tom said augustly.
  10. “Smile you’re on camera,” Tom said in a flash.
  11. “I had to remove your cat’s behind,” Tom said with detail.
  12. “Don’t take me to the mothership!” Tom cried alienated.
  13. “My shirt has IRS W-2s silkscreened all over it,” said Tom formally.
  14. “I’ll have another hotdog,” Tom said with relish.
  15. “I’m a cardio-thoracic surgeon,” Tom said with heart.

What’s the Big Vegan Lie? Secret Meal Finally Exposed


Yes, I have a twisted sense of humor. But I’m tired of reading all of the BS about the deficiencies of a Vegan diet.
[alert_red] Transcript:[/alert_red]
The vegan community was hiding this from the carnivores.
About once a week, they would eat STEAK.
And they would say, “Don’t tell anyone. No one can know that we eat steak because our vegan diet fails us. It doesn’t give us all the nutrients. So once a week, we have to eat steak in secret. Just to keep up the facade; so that everyone thinks that our vegan diet works.”
And I said, “That’s not right. We can live on just fruits and vegetables. We don’t need meat!”
And they said,

“No! You shut up! YOU MUST EAT MEAT ONCE A WEEK IF YOU WANT TO BE A TRUE VEGAN.” And I said, “No! I don’t want to eat red meat. It’s not healthy.”

And they said, “If you don’t eat red meat once a week, then you WILL HAVE TO EAT THE MEAT OF MEAT. The meat that is the REAL MEAT.”
And I said, “What do you mean by, ‘ The eat that is the REAL meat? What is the meat of meat?” And they were quiet, and they wouldn’t answer me. Every time I asked them, they would change the subject. And then, Jannie spoke out. And she went missing.
And I said, “Where is Jannie?” And they said, “she is not longer with the Vegan Community.”
And I said, “Why is she no longer with the community?”
And they said, “She told everyone that we eat meat on the weekends because our diet is insufficient. And so now she’s not with us.”
And I said, “Well I don’t want to eat meat either.”
And they said, “Well now that she’s not with us, you can try the meat that is the real meat, the meat of meat.”
And I said, “I don’t understand. I don’t want to eat meat.
And they held out a strangely shaped piece of meat that had a very unusual aroma about it. And scarred [scorched] on the piece of meat was a piece of Jannie’s sock. And that was when I decided that I had to speak out.

BTW, I loved Jannie very much–she was DELICIOUS!

5 Easy Ways to Laugh at Health Nuts

[one_half_first]

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but where he did he get his protein?

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

3: 1 environmentalist vegan to recycle to the old bulb, 1 activist vegan to protest nuclear energy, and 1 female vegan to show off her hairy legs & underarms as she installs the new one.

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn’t need to change, it already gets its energy from power PLANTS.

How many Paleo Guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

No! Fire BAD!!!
Caveman diet

A Vegan, Paleo Guy, & a Cannibal Walk into a Pub.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for you?”
The Vegan says, “Get me your raw organic salad plate.”
The Paleo Guy says, “Get me your grass-fed-beef-on-a-grain-free bun-hamburger plate.”
The cannibal says, “When they’re finished eating, get me two plates.”

Youtube Version of select jokes:

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[one_half]
Valen Longfeather's Barefoot Comedy
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Are You Misusing Google Translate?

Have fun with Google Translate.

Serbian Warzone Trick

This post is unrelated to barefoot running in anyway.
Paste the sounds of war into Google Translate then Select “Serbian”, hit translate, then  hit the speaker icon on the translated side:

Rrrrrrrtttttttkktttkktttrrrtttttttkktttkktttrtttttttkktttkkttt
rrbbbbrrrkktttkktttrrrrttttgggkkttkkttggkkttthsssfffff
rrrhsssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Rrrrrrrtttttttkktttkktttrrrtttttttkktttkktttrtttttttkktttkkttt
rrbbbbrrrkktttkktttrrrrttttgggkkttkkttggkktttkzkzkzkz
ааааааааа јоу гот me
(With exciting dialog).

Tips & Tricks for Serbian Warzone:

  • Set language to Serbian!
  • DELETE SPACES / breaks between words. ONE GIANT STRING WORKS BEST.
  • Hit the “Speaker” icon in the corner & enjoy the fireworks.

Nasty Truth about Justin Bieber

Paste:
Will Justin Bieber suck chicken

Translate to Vietnamese.

Paste Vietnamese.
Translate to English.

LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF!

Video Proof:

Amazing Last Minute Gift Ideas for Barefoot Runners


Portable Ping Pong is the Perfect technique for scuffing up your newly refinished table, ripping much needed elbow holes into your clean, freshly painted sheet rock, and planting family rivalries that will last decades–all in the comfort of your kitchen! Yes, to  accomplish all of that mayhem with just one gift takes some balls.


X-Box Kinetic is the digital version of the portable ping pong nightmare above, only with less wall ripping and table scuffing and more ways to water the seeds of hatred between the people you love.


This Tool is perfect for recovering from the Achilles & heel pain your hippie barefoot runner claims he or she no longer has 😉


Homemade Beer will give them an excuse to brew their own B-12 and listen to bottles shattering in cupboard at midnight while giving YOU the joy of drinking something that instantly pickles your taste buds, crunches your face into a tight fist and forces you to say, through your quivering, puckered lips, “It’s different Jim, really different.” And then, when Jim isn’t looking, you pour the “beer” on a helpless plant and a few seconds later the helpless plant is withered and dead and YOUR hair is green.

Barefoot Running Tales of the Undead Sole. Twilight Finally Put to an End.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A friend of mine, Jerry, had a great idea for a novel.

“It’s entitled Tales of the Undead Sole,” he said.
“It spins around a pre-teen vegan boy. The boy’s name is Balthazar Gracian (aka Baltasar Gracián),”
I almost slapped his face for choosing such a proto-existentialist name. But I just listened instead,
“One day, Balthazar suddenly wakes up to find that he can no longer wear shoes and that he is also a deadly vampire. It’s a real Harry Potter-meets-Dracula-with-a-little-Teen-Wolf-action type deal. “
“Indeed!”, I replied in a very classy tone of voice.
“Well,” Jerry continued, “After much vomiting of ridiculously over-priced, microwavable soy products and some nasty third degree sun burn, Balthazar learns to live off the warm, salty, noctural life juices of mortals. But he misses the sun, surfing, and the whole going from being a hardcore vegan to a bloodthirsty supernatural cannibal is slightly distressing. But the poor lad has no choice but to resign himself to his lifeless life. As time tic tock tic tock tic tocks onward, Balthazar falls desperately in love with a mortal girl, Rebecca Black.  Yes, the same one who wrote every so popular song about the days of week in which her world class dilemma is choosing in which seat, front or back, she will rest her firm teenage hiney. Aside from her inability to choose seating, there’s another problem. Her dad hunts vampires for a living! And he’s on to Balthazar.

Worst of all, Rebecca isn’t what she seems; she wears striped socks!!!! And is also a powerful black magic evil witch who eats toenails–many time has she been caught with her foot in her mouth

Can Baltazar discover who turned him into a life sucking vampire and thereby reclaim his humanity? Will Rebecca find her way into his heart or will her father’s wooden stake beat her to it?”

In the end, I did manage to slap Jerry in face. I used his blood to season my quinoa (everyone’s a cannibal some of times); it tasted a little less bitterer than the bestselling, box office smash, The Twilight Saga.

As you may have guessed, Jerry works at the cheap theater–you know the kind of theater that shows regular movies that are a few months old during the day and those other movies–the ones you watch alone, online with your privacy set to “a weird guy wearing a fedora, a trench coat and over-sized sunglasses”–at night;  it was he, Jerry, who set me up with a bag of nutritional yeast and pop-corn before allowing Stephani Meyer ‘s terrible writing to feast on the very life force of my brain cells. To say the characters were one dimensional and drab would be to give them four dimensions more than they deserve and twice as much color.

Jerry, you owe me 999 IQ points and a few more drops of your delicious blood.

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Have You Seen the 5 Surprisingly Bizarre Images of the Day?

I’m constantly scouring the Web for weird stuff. When I came across these images, I couldn’t resist captioning them. Since no post with visuals is complete without some form of annoying mood music, here is an ear tickle.

Enjoy.

Man sweeping near wind storm wreckage.
For once, Karin from QVC (late-night infomercial) wasn't kidding. This really is a super-broom.
Surreal Photo of family wearing Pancake Masks
Together, we can end battered families.
Weird black and white picture of two men holding a humongous rifle.
I told you Charles, violence makes us small men.
Strange image of a man swimming in a sink hole.
I know that dang GEO Cache is here somewhere!
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Who is Anita Shoe?

Anita Shoe Barefoot comedy character
Anita Shoe at Work

Anita Shoe used to dip her pencil in tobasco sauce before she wrote anything. She thought it would make her erotic novels even hotter. She went broke the first year and nearly starved, until she realized she could eat her words.

She made a cellphone out of table forks; but it only accepted texts that had a little spam.

She sold bicycle-shaped spoons;  you couldn’t eat with them, but for $29.95 a month, you could join her MLM Crew and peddle them too.

 

What the Hell was that about?

Writing blog posts has not been a burning desire for me lately; so, I kick-started the writing process by re-skimming a book I bought many years ago, The New Comedy Writing Step by Step. Much of the information is hopelessly dated, but the book offers many exciting and challenging writing exercises. This one forced me to build a list of random nouns and then to connect them in specific way. The first noun served as the set-up, the second as the foundation of the punchline. I added the loony name: Anita Shoe to create a cohesive-ish blog post.

Here are the nouns I had to connect.

  • Pencil – Tobasco Sauce
  • Cellphone – Forks
  • Bicycle – Spoons
Run free. Write Free.
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3 Third World Skeptical Boy Meme Captions

 

Meme
So you're telling me you run barefoot even when you aren't being chased by hungry lions?
Diets are  a luxury.
So you're telling me people when people in your country don't eat, it's called a dieting, not starving? Bitch, I've been dieting my whole life.
Skeptical Third World Kid
So, Jesus is Antidote for Crocodile?

To discover more about this meme, read this article.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/22/skeptical-third-world-kid-meme_n_1619828.html

Memes fascinate me.

Mad Dog and Marlboros the Holy Grail of Endurance Training

Steve Prefontaine in post-Olympic track and fi...
Steve Prefontaine in post-Olympic track and field meet 15 Sep 72, at the Crystal Palace, London UK (Photo credit: The Happy Rower)

Did you know that smoking and drinking are as healthy as running a full marathon? That’s what an exciting report from Canadian Medical Association Journal suggests.

The irrefutable, infallible logic:

  • Serum hemoglobin is related to endurance running performance. Smoking enhances serum hemoglobin levels. Furthermore, alcohol may support this beneficial adaptation.
  • Lung volume also correlates with running performance, and distance training increases lung volume. Smoking increases lung volume too!!!
  • Running is a weight-bearing sport; as a result, lighter runners are typically faster. Smoking reduces body weight too!!!

Because smoking and drinking increase lung volume, serum levels, and can lead to weight loss, booze and cigarettes are just as healthy and as running marathons.

The take away message is clear: it’s better to lead a healthy lifestyle sitting on the couch sipping a  bottle of hooch and blowing smoke rings than it is to rise at the crack of dawn and run ten miles.

Find excellent reviews for endurance boosting economy liquor and spirits at Bum Wines:

Smoking drinking healthy as running marathon

Are you a fit and healthy wino who sucks cheap fags? Post your experience in the comments below.

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