3 Insanely Annoying Christmas Songs

  1. Christmas Shoes. All this song needs is some Maple leaves because it has plenty of sap. Imagine Tiny Tim, minus crutches, buying his sick, bedridden Momma shoes she’ll never wear. In his Impoverished Consumer Whore Brain, Jesus wants his followers to come into the Kingdom wearing Stilettos. What a FAIL, Christ was a bare-footer. I don’t think he’d kick sick parents to curb for arriving at His door without footwear. That said, this song still makes my mamma cry, which strangely makes me want to buy her fancy shoes–even though the thought repels. What can I say, I’m Not Perfect and I love my mommy.
  2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. Gayle Peevy, even her name is annoying. Mrs. Peevy took upon herself the mantle of ruining all holiday cheer with her shrill voice and sassy songs. Her music stabs its way through your ears into your spinal chord where it completely terrorizes your nervous system while it attempts to scramble your auditory cortex causing seizures and other mental disorders.  Luckily, her music killed off most of the DJs who played it. So, it’s relatively obscure.
  3. Grandma Got Run Over by Reindeer. Another song with an ill woman–what’s up with sickness and Christmas? Well this ill Granny is also drunk and she gets her skull cracked by an Elf molesting Santa, leaving Grandpa free to be a booze it up as a wild hillbilly in peace. How Nice. I can’t believe they play this song on radio. It makes me want to take a shower.
Well, enough my holiday Grinchery.
Happy Holidays. May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease. Blessings.
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5 Screwy Captions for the New Yorker

  1. The scene at most bars when DC Comics publishes it’s quarterly report.
  2. Arch villain Admiral Alchoholo strikes again.
  3. Bartender, these shots were supposed to make ME feel INVINCIBLE.
  4. You must be the new guy.
  5. Excuse me sir, but has anyone told you that it is very impolite to wear a hat indoors?

 

 

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5 Spectacular Barefoot Movie Disasters

Cold, dark winter days are upon us. In the freezing evenings, I like to blast some popcorn,  pour myself a tall glass of hot cocoa, snuggle beneath a heated blanket, and watch a movie.

Here are 5 of the worst “films” I’ve ever seen without wearing shoes.

  1. Wicker Man

    Nick Cage tries to move his botox infested forehead and punches women in the face. He gets covered with angry bees and his legs smashed before he’s stuffed into a Giant Neo-Pagan Kewpie doll and burned alive for it. At least the movie has a happy ending.
  2. Surf Tribe
    The people who made this movie are so ashamed that it doesn’t even appear in the Internet Movie Database. I think I rented this on video. I am not sure how it came to me. I remember watching it in Santa Cruz with my wife when we lived on Seabright Ave. At any rate, this film has the heart rending sappy story-line about a dying surfer and of course it somehow involves the ever so popular Hollywood star of the sea: the much beloved dolphin. The amazing thing about this movie is not the boon mic that creeps on screen or the bad halogen lighting that casts the shadows of camera crew’s jeans on the walls of interior scenes or even the terrible acting, it’s the lack of stock dolphin footage. The whole premise of this movie rests on the dolphin’s dorsal fin, yet none of porpoises appear on screen.  In place of the noble sea beast, we get shots of a broken surfboard and the corpse of cripple surfer sinking below the big waves of Cancun: another movie with a terrifically happy ending.
  3. Titanic II
    Titanic 2
    Titanic 2 (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

    This epic Fail was just crappy enough to make it into the internet movie database. I think the title for Titanic II is a good enough clue to the caliber of film making and amount of thought put into this movie.
    This flick will make you question the validity of open source CG. The fuzzy, blurry, “wake “of ship looks like milk and the deep ocean waters look like striped jello; it’s the kind of CG, you get from the freeware version of Bryce. I wouldn’t be surprised if the images were edited with MS Paint or GIMP (Oh, forgive me opensource-land. GIMP is barefooter’s image program if ever I’ve seen one. But I married Photoshop a few years ago and I don’t cheat.) In this meaningless remake, which is fobbed off as a sequel to James Cameron‘s epic film, the dashing captain who arrives on the ship via a giant whirling grey blur that is supposed to be a “helicopter” drowns saving the ships passengers and his lover, thus adding to list of happy endings.

  4. The Entire Twitlight Saga

    Stephenie Meyer and her Morman sensibilities have sucked the life from vampire lore and padded on a thin coat of white powder that doesn’t cover all of Edwards neck in the cafeteria scene of the first movie. Mrs. Meyer offers the dandiest, shallowest, de-caffeinatest vampires ever to sparkle and glow in the light of DAY!!! Yep. Her deadly creatures of the night look prettier in the sunlight!!!
    Stephanie, my dear, the entire point–a point that every other author respects about vampires and vampiric lore–is that Dracula and Daylight don’t go together!!!! Not only is the nocturnal nature of vampire a symbol of their devilish drift, but it also adds a critical and essential weakness. In the stupid world of Stephanie Meyers, there is NOTHING that can defeat the gaunt, lifeless vampires or dark, hunky werewolves. The deadly daylight bloodsucking demons can devour the entire world in shiny sparkles. How nice. The only thing this movie has going for it is the cannibalistic baby who feasts on its mother’s innards. Even the High Prince of Darkness would consider that to be a little twisted. Dear Stephanie, ask one of your husbands ex-wives for some coffee.
  5. Showgirls

    This movie was so lousy, my wife was forced to watch parts of it in class at UCSC. She was taking a course–this is NOT a lie–about the films of John Carpenter (Big Trouble in Little China, Halloween, Escape from New York, and They Live).  Her professor, who is a renown Chaucer expert, used Showgirls as an example of “naive camp”. The scene he showed was supposed to be sexy and serious, but really it was silly and hilarious.  What can I say about a movie whose main character has the high aspiration of professionally licking dirty brass poles as a Las Vegas Stripper? I suppose can say that Nick Cage should force his forehead to watch it, instead of botox.

Lean Limerick

Barefoot Runners Limerick

There was a strange man from Peru
Who ran on the road without shoes.
The men were most shocked
That he never wore socks;
But the grins on their wives was a clue.

–Valen

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5 & 1/2 Captions the New Yorker Won’t Use

Captions for the New Yorker Caption contest that I wrote in bare-feet.  Run bare, write bare.

  1. How every traveler appears to airport security.
  2. “No Arms, No Fowl.”
  3. Harold took precautions; he was, after all, a wildly successful tax auditor.
  4. Antique firearms+Craig’s List=Selma’s Mortgage Payment.
  5. It was a recurring nightmare for the Amish pastor.
    & 1/2 Harold was NOT a barefoot runner. The only thing Harold wanted to bear was arms.
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Fast Food One Liners

I was talking to a friend of mine  who eats fast food, she told me about a sticker she saw at KFC drive-through. It was for “KFC Scholars”; some BS program that purports to help their employees pay for college or something like that. I HATE KFC and fast food in general; so, I couldn’t resist writing some stupid barefoot take-offs:

KFC on King street in Kingston, Jamaica
Image via Wikipedia
  1. KFC Scholars:  Fill your Mind with Fowl Thoughts.
  2. KFC Scholars: We teach you How to Pass Chicken.
  3. KFC Scholars: Learn to Hatch It Yourself! (Gotta say that one fast.)
  4. KFC Scholars: Because you don’t need to be an egghead have bird-brains.
  5. KFC Scholars: Surround yourself with chicks and cocks.
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Here’s a Quick Way to Laugh or Roll your Eyes

 

Some Silly Stick Captions.
Caption #1:
I told you the new ginsus were sharp!

Caption#2:
OK, OK, I admit it: you can take this minimalist lifestyle thing too far. 

 

 

 

 

Caption#1:
That’s what happens when you watch too much TV.
Caption#2:
What people look like to someone suffering from an acute case of Pacman fever. 

 

 

 

 

Caption#1:
What your spouse looks standing in the doorway after your first ultra.
Caption#2:
The first thing everyone looks at when they attend their own funeral.
Caption#3:
A Grisly Bear’s Trophy Wall.

 

Dear CREATIVE PORTAL:
It’s Lame to Have a Blog Post about Image Captions with Images to Caption and Nothing asking visitors Not Hotlink WHILE PERMITTING HOT-LINKING. Then for no good reason, just turning off Hot-Linking. That’s screwy. I wouldn’t have hot-linked had I known. When you urge people to caption your photos in a blog post about blog ideas, you have to expect your readers to assume that hot-linking is OK. I mean, it is a post for bloggers who want to BLOG captions for the IMAGES–at least make download links or mention “No hotlinks”. I came home from a nice hike and was greeted with busted post. I had re-create the images from memory. What is this the 90s!?

 

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Secret Trick that Makes any Woman Horny (Guest Post)

GUEST POST by Guido La Brone (aka The Sausage Party)

 

Bikini Model
Image by memoflores via Flickr

My name is Guido La Brone and I want to share a secret with you. I wasn’t always the player I am today. I stumbled across this trick at a night club. I was tired if getting turned down for steamy one night stands and my hand was really sore. In a flash, the answer came to me.

This trick is so easy anyone can do it. It doesn’t matter what you look like, skinny, fat, in shape, out of shape, but you do need some money or access to someone who likes guitars.

OK here’s the secret trick to making any woman instantly horny:

Dress real nice, put on some gold chains and classy  outfit, something with silk. And give her some trumpets, saxophones, or tubas. You got yourself one horny woman!

Rose Sanderson Women's suffragists demonstrate...
Image via Wikipedia

 

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