- They can’t cross hatch pen and ink illustrations.
- They don’t know anything about Shakespeare.
- They can’t play the ukulele.
- They never eat your homework when you want them to.
- They have two extra legs.
- They lack of proper bathroom etiquette.
- They can’t color correct images in Photoshop.
- They express their Uncontrolled Sexual Urges on your Leg.
- They are ineligible for public office.
- They can’t eat Chocolate, but they can eat their own poop.
- Some demented deity could cram 1 million earths into the sun; it would have to a
pretty stupid deity though because then he’d probably break the sun and then be left with a bunch of burnt up earths. What’s he gonna do with those?
- The sun has a diameter of 32,954.5455 marathons and only 8,700 100-mile ultras.
- Like me, the sun is Not a reptilian humanoid.
- The closet star to the earth is mostly composed of hydrogen, which makes sense because of all the elements in the periodic table, hydrogen is the lightest–get it lol light as brightness and light as in weight.
- Because it is so obvious, there is no official discoverer or discovery date for the sun–until today: Brilliant Barefoot Running Sandy Man, Valen Longfeather, miraculously (’cause he lives in Oregon) discovers the SUN!!!!! All solar usage now requires a discovery royalty, make checks payable to Valen Longfeather.
It’s summer. Time to hit the streets bare. But every rose has its thorns. Bare-footing in summer is no different. Creeping from summer shadows are the slack jawed hecklers. This swarm of idiots will make it their purpose to harass and hurl insults. Their inane question of choice:
Where are your Shoes?
It is almost as disturbing as it is ridiculous that these people somehow think that YOUR SHOES or lack thereof will affect THEIR LIFE. Why else would they ask? They see that you’re running. I hope they don’t expect you stop mid stride to strike up conversation with them. No. They’re not interested in engaging in a real conversation. The cold, dirty truth is that they aren’t asking for an answer; they’re calling you an idiot. Not outright; instead of being brave, they’re cloaking it in a question. Insecure people hide behind questions all the time. Their passive aggressive verbal attack is a feeble attempt to make their massively insignificant selves feel superior to someone they do not consider to be a threat. Usually, I let the snide comments slide, but sometimes I feel feisty. If you’re tired of listening the claptrap of the shod AND stupid, here are some potent barefoot zingers.
Where are your shoes?
- Only smart people can see them.
- Running barefoot strengthens bone. The bones in my feet are almost as strong as the one in your head.
- Sometimes less is more; unfortunately for you, that does NOT apply to IQ.
- You don’t need shoes to run. Your mouth has proven that.
- My feet love the open air. Maybe they can run inside your head sometime.
- My feet don’t need shoes, but your mouth could use a brain.
- Not on my feet. If you were a quarter as smart as a half wit, you’d have tripled your IQ.
- Running without shoes gives me magic power: It forces all the world class idiots within range to ask me about my shoes.
- I’ll put shoes on my feet if you put duct tape on your mouth.
- Where’s your tail? (Pause). Because I see a horse’s ass, but no tail.
“If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.”
–J. Russell Lynes quotes
Change a Lightbulb
Q: How many barefooters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulb!!!? Before the Big Energy Companies came around, Candles lit the world perfectly fine.
Q: How many barefooters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to remove the old bulb and another to charge the new bulb hundreds of dollars so it can learn to run naturally.
Under the Stars
A Barefoot Runner and Shod Runner are camping.
They climb into their sleeping bags and then gaze at the night sky. The Barefooter says, “Look up, my shod friend. What do you see?”
The shod runner says, “I see thousands of glittering stars.”
The barefooter says, “And what does that mean to you?”
“Well,” says the shod runner, “I guess it means we will have another nice day running tomorrow. What does it mean to you, my barefoot buddy?”
“To me,” says the barefoot runner,”it means you forgot to pack our tent, AGAIN.”
Crossing the River
Three cross country runners were trail running when they came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first one prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across the river. It was a struggle, but he made it.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river and stay dry.
The third one caught on and prayed saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river.” And Poof! God turned him into a barefoot runner. He looked at his map, then ran with perfect stride technique–the real miracle–across the bridge.
A barefoot runner walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, “Why the short face?
A barefoot runner limps into the Doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I ran a marathon barefoot. Now my right foot is killing me. Can you take a look at it?”
“Sure,” says the doc, “let me get my stethoscope, so I can take a listen.” The doc puts the stethoscope to the top of barefooter’s foot. He hears a scraggy voice say “Doc, can you give me 5 bucks?”
Then the doctor moves the stethoscope to the runner’s ankle. He hears another scraggy voice, “Hey Doc, can you give me 10 bucks?”
Then he puts the stethoscope to the sole of the runner’s foot and hears yet another a scraggy voice “Doc, can you give me a 20 bucks?”
The doctor sighs.
“Well, doc.” says the barefoot runner,”What’s wrong with my foot?”
The Doctor shakes his head from side to side and says, “I’m afraid your foot is broke in three places.”
My Exclusive Interview with Gorn, the Mighty
Valen (v): What is it like to be a reptilian humanoid?
Gorn (g): I’m not a reptilian humanoid.
v: But you have scales, teeth, and a forked tongue.
g: Fish have scales. I’m not a fish.
v: Your logic is infallible.
g: I kick ass at logic. I’ll beat any Vulcan in a logic brawl.
v: I was being ironic. But Vulcans are pretty logical.
g: I’m logicaler. That’s how I killed Lieutenant Kirk.
v: You didn’t kill Captain Kirk; he kicked your ass in that episode.
g: Lieutenant Kirk tasted like a hot and crispy Onion Rings. I am deeply saddened that I did not have some zesty dipping sauce for him.
v: I think you’re a few pages short of a novel. Did you eat his shoes too?
g: No, Lieutenant Kirk was barefoot.
v: What are you talking about? Captain Kirk was wearing USS Enterprise Federation issued boots.
g: I was wearing the Romulan issued boots you speak of. I run in them all the time. Boots are the best way to run.
v: Your were shoeless in that episode. Besides, I’d rather run with broken beer bottles on my feet than run in boots.
g: How would you know about the many comforts and wonders of Romulan boots. You just want to argue.
v: But, you weren’t wearing boots in that episode. You were clearly shoeless. Look at this picture.
g: I see that you are not interested in logical discussion, just wrestling with words. Have brought the required sacrifice of lambs, goats, and pigs?
v: Yes. Can we down to the topic of barefoot running?
g: We were on the topic of barefoot running. It’s stupid and it’s bad for you.
v: How so?
g: Isn’t it obvious? Shoes are made for running. If you run without shoes it’s bad for you. You can’t fight logic.
v: There’s no logic in that argument.
g: That’s totally choke-you-out, infallible logic. You just can’t see it because you’re an illogical hippie.
v: I’m too young to be a hippie.
g: Hippie is as hippie does. Send in the clowns–I mean goats.
v: An interesting slip, Gorn. Do you like clowns?
g: I don’t eat clowns
v: Why not?
g: They taste like hippies.
v: What’s wrong with hippies?
g: They taste like clowns.
v: I see. I was hoping to get at barefoot running.
g: You are just trying to make me spit fireballs. I already told you barefoot running is great for your health.
v: You said it was bad and stupid.
g: Are you calling me a liar?
v: I think you might have misspoken.
g: Oh, so you’re calling me stupid. Gorn the mighty, the universe’s toughest logician.
v: No, I’m calling you fallible.
g: You dare speak to Gorn the mighty with such disrespect!? Typical hippie when your logic crumbles, you attack the reptile, I mean the human.
v: Aha! You admit you’re a reptilian.
g: Have you seen “Black Swan”?
v: Don’t change the subject.
g: Have you?
v: Yes, I wasn’t all that impressed with it.
g: You remind of the lizard in that movie.
v: I don’t recall a lizard
g: Yes, the bulgy eyed lizard in that movie–the one that lied to the townspeople.
v: I think you’re thinking of the movie Rango, not Black Swan.
g: It was Black Swan, you are the black swan that told everyone you were a crack shot and then made the whole town die of thirst.
v: Rango saves the town in that movie.
g: The black swan kills the whole town and the rattle snake eats them. I hope you’re happy.
Shortly after this interview, Gorn attempted to eat what he thought was a goat, but what was in reality a rusty propane tank.
Rest In Pieces, Gorn the Mighty. May you sleep better than I spell.
A Barefoot Runner Walks into a bar and asks the bartender to serve him up three beers. At first the bartender is taken aback, but he soon relents and serves up three frosty brews for the bare-footer. The bare-footer smiles, thanks the bartender, and then takes a sip from each mug of beer. The bartender says, “Why are drinking like that? You know, you can drink from one mug, and I can just refill it.”
The bare-footer says, “No, no. It’s a family tradition, I have two brothers in other countries. We made a pact, whenever we enter a bar, we always order a beer for other two. Drinking like that brings us together.” The bartender nods in approval. “It’s a nice tradition,” he says.
A few months go by. One day, the bare-footer only orders two mugs of beer. The bartender lowers his head. He very ceremoniously presents the bare-footer with the two mugs of beer. When the Bare-footer is finished drinking, the bartender says, “I know about your tradition, and I just want to extend my condolences and let you know that I’m deeply sorry that one of your brothers passed away.”
Surprised, the bare-footer looks up at the bartender. “My brothers are fine. I’m the one. I finally decided to stop drinking.”
Since I’ve given everything else a shot, I thought I’d try my hand at some barefoot comedy writing. Unlike funny jokes, my jokes require explaination. Here we go:
- A recent study showed that running reduces high blood pressure. That’s good news for debtors and creditors. It’s funny because the creditors are chasing the debtors. Both get healthy exercise.
- Barefoot running is better for your knees than running with shoes. That’s good news for debtors, BAD news for creditors. It’s funny because the debtors can’t afford shoes.
- Another recent study showed that barefoot running doesn’t reduce your monthly bills. That’s good news for creditors, BAD news for debtors. It’s funny because you can’t outrun your bills. OK that’s not funny at all.
These might get better with time–at least that’s what I hope happens.