Not free! This recipe is $100,000 (see Notes)
- 2/3 cup raw almond butter (you can grind your own at most stores)
- Handful or two of crunched almonds (Grab a meat hammer or a regular hammer. Place handful of almonds on a cutting board, cover said almonds with towel to muffle their screams and to prevent damage from almond shrapnel. Pound away at the almonds. Explore your aggression in the safety of your kitchen. Soon you will have a glorious pile of gourmet crunched raw almonds, which you can then add to your delicious dessert and also sell online for thousands of dollars.)
- 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
- 1/4 cup agave nectar or honey
- 1 tsp nutmeg (it adds an eggnog style flavor without all of the drunk; it’s optional).
- 3 tbsp cacao nibs or dark chocolate chips (you can also use 2 table spoons of raw cocao powder)
Use a $1.50 garage sale blending device that has haunted your household for decades to mix the almond butter, oats, cinnamon, nutmeg, and coca powder (if that’s how you roll) into to a fine meal.
Add the agave nectar or honey and blend again. [pullquoteleft] Eat handful of the dough because it is mandatory to eat uncooked cookie dough in the mixing bowl. get a spoon ,scoop some raw dough onto it and offer to a loved one. It’s very classy and that person will love you for being so dang considerate.[/pullquoteleft]
Next, add the cocoa nibs (or chocolate chips) and glorious pile of almond shards. Mix by hand with and old hand-me-down wooden spoon with splinters and dark spots from years of cooking fiascoes.
Roll the cookie dough into balls; use a metal spoon (cut square sheets of wax paper & press to form squares or skip the wax paper and roll into balls because you’re a lazy ass–but that’s OK because you’re going to be rich and powerful after feasting on these delicious treats). Place the raw cookie shapes on a cookie pan lined with parchment paper or some other appropriate receptacle. Shove them into the ‘fridge until hunger strikes or an hour has passed. If they aren’t as firm as you like, stick them in the freezer for a while. [pullquoteright] Now you have some fake health food that is really just hunks of fat and sugar, but it has fiber and other nutrients and you made it yourself so it tastes super good.[/pullquoteright] Store cookies in a tightly covered container in the refrigerator or in your stomach for safe keeping.
In about 3 days, the raw almond cookies will turn into brilliant ideas for making money, which will enable your brain to figure out a way to make 1 million dollars! At that point, you will officially owe me 10% of the $1,000,000, which is, of course, a mere $100,000; it is a small price to pay. I mean, it’s like you’re buying $900,000 for only $100,000. That’s a good deal! You’re crazy NOT to do it, man.
If $100 grand is too much, then use the links below to buy invisible shoes or something from Amazon. Thanks 🙂
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