Barefoot Comedy Tour

Since I’ve given everything else a shot, I thought I’d try my hand at some barefoot comedy writing. Unlike funny jokes, my jokes require explaination. Here we go:

  • A recent study showed that running reduces high blood pressure. That’s good news for debtors and creditors. It’s funny because the creditors are chasing the debtors. Both get healthy exercise.
  • Barefoot running is better for your knees than running with shoes. That’s good news for debtors, BAD news for creditors. It’s funny because the debtors can’t afford shoes.
  • Another recent study showed that barefoot running doesn’t reduce your monthly bills. That’s good news for creditors, BAD news for debtors. It’s funny because you can’t outrun your bills. OK that’s not funny at all.

These might get better with time–at least that’s what I hope happens.

Snow & Icy Wind Too Cold to Go Bare Not Too Cold to Drive Wife Crazy

We got icy snow and some chilly wind. Much too cold to run barefoot outside. I decided to drive my wife nuts by complaining about how uncomfortable my shoes are.

That got old fast because I LOVE my wife, even though she wears shoes. So, I discovered a more productive way to pass the time indoors. I wrote a bunch of barefoot Conan O Brien Biographies and then I ran barefoot on my treadmill:

#COBio I had a fan rewrite my Twitter bio. Wanna hear something else scary? This isn’t my beard.

#COBio Yes, I’m the guy who got Martha Stewart to bring him Taco Bell & an Olde English 40oz.

#COBio I had a fan write my Twitter Bio. Now you know how I got through Harvard.

#COBio I had a fan rewrite my Twitter bio. If I could only get him to clean my gutters…

#COBio I went to Harvard and I host a late night show. One is meaningless jokes where nothing is achieved, the other airs 11/10c on TBS.

#COBio I think my photographer needs a hearing aid. I told him I wanted the photo to show me with a “chip” on my shoulder.

#COBio As you can tell from bio pic, Jay and I became friends.

3 Ways to Stop Shoe Wearing Unicorns from Killing

It is a widely known fact that SHOE wearing unicorns get their malevolent energy from rainbows. The worst of them leech their power from rainbows in the dark. We call such unicorns “dark horses”. But it doesn’t take loving hearted barefoot zombie to stop them from killing. Here are three easy Ways to Stop Unicorns from massacring the ones you love.

  1. Don’t look at or stay near rainbows.

    Unicorns do most of their hunting near these colorful bends, minutes after feeding off their light energy. It’s perverse, but it is the secret to unicorn power–they, like Lucifer, are the light bringers. When the light is fresh and varied is when they are most dangerous. Do not underestimate the threat of these wicked beasts.

  2. Breath CLEAN AIR deeply and HOLD YOUR BREATH.

    If have the misfortune of coming close to a unicorn, calm yourself. Do NOT inhale the sparkles or stars that emanate from an approaching unicorn. These mesmerizing flashes are in fact a deadly poison that will put you to sleep while the unicorn feasts on your skin before sucking out your soul with his horn. You will be fully conscious during the entire ordeal. Unicorns cannot eat the flesh of the dead.

  3. Carry Salt with you at all times.

    The wicked cannot abide purifying salt. If you see a unicorn, do NOT run. Like all predators unicorns are chase animals. Their instinct is outrun their prey. Some malevolent unicorns have even undergone an atrocious mutation which gives them the ability to sprout wings, allowing them to mount an air strike against their victims. Stay calm if you can. Talk to the unicorn in a firm voice while reaching for your salt. Some reports from survivors indicate that unicorns are taken aback by human speech. It doesn’t stop their malicious attacks, but it does startle or surprise them. A handful will do. The salt will burn the unicorn, but there are some areas where the unicorn is especially vulnerable. The poll, crest, withers, and croup will cause serious pain, but will not disable the beast. For maximum damage, hit the bridge of the nose, the muzzle, the chest flank or stifle. Once the salt has worked its magic, run from the brute. Make sure you report the incident to the local authorities so they can send a out a zombie crew to deal with the problem.

It is possible to survive in a world of terrifying unicorns. You just need to use your head. Also take off your shoes. Unicorns don’t like barefoot people. Stay tuned. Next week I’ll tell you how to properly love and care for a barefoot zombie.

3 Secrets to Barefoot Running

  • Start off Barefoot WALKING.

    Just taking off your shoes and going for five mile barefoot run is sure way to get injured. It takes time for the muscles in your feet to recover from chronic shoe-wearing. The skin on the bottom of your will need to develop in order for you to run longer distances. Barefoot walking will strengthen your feet and reveal the pleasure of experiencing the world without shoes.

  • GET Limber

    Always stretch before and AFTER your runs. Here are some excellent barefoot runner stretches.

  • Learn proper form on a treadmill, carpet, or front lawn (MAKE SURE YOU INSPECT THE LAWN CAREFULLY BEFORE RUNNING ON IT.)

    You will have to own your treadmill for this because most health clubs don’t allow barefoot use of facilities. Not only do treadmills have a lower impact than concrete, but they also have a tough, yet soft(ish) surface, which is perfect for building up thick layers of skin on the soles of your feet. Treadmills will blister your feet if you run too long on them. When you run bare, you go from regular blisters to weird blood blisters, but they heal quickly. Start out SLOW–decrease the treadmill speed significantly. I find that making it go too fast leads to heel striking.
    Your goal is to master good form, not run like the wind. Speed will come later. But good form will ensure that you don’t get injured and are able to run more often. Watch the stride technique videos for more information about proper running form. Running barefoot improper form will hurt and possible damage your feet; it may also cause other injuries such as ankle, knee, and back pain.
    It also helps to have someone make a video of you running. WATCHING YOURSELF ON VIDEO IS THE BEST WAY TO IMPROVE FORM. Be patient. When your body re-adjusts to barefoot activities, your stamina, enjoyment, and health will thrive.

“…the hallmark of my barefoot running philosophy is regaining connectedness, mindfulness, and presence in your running and in your body.” —Barefoot Ted

Three Crippling Ways Shoes Deform Your Feet & Ruin the Planet

Shoes are perverse. They cut us off from the world, stifle our feet, and deplete natural resources. Here are three evils of shoes:

  • Muscle Atrophy

    Did you know that wearing shoes causes the muscles in your feet to atrophy? Arch support weakens your arch causing abnormal muscle loss. Overly tight shoes or oddly shaped shoes such as high heals cripple your foot by forcing it to conform to an unnatural and potential harmful position. Stilettos aren’t much different from Japanese foot binding.

  • Over Exposure to Germs

    Chronic Shoe Wearing can lead to fungal growth and bacterial infections. Shoes super heat your feet causing them to sweat. Worst of all, the material that causes the excessive heat also retains it and the moisture it creates. This over exposure to wetness can lead to foot fungus and other foot problems.

  • Planetary Waste

    Shoes are wasteful. Most shoe manufactures use rubber and other petroleum based products to make shoes. Since shoes are not usually recycled and since they tend to wear out fast or are used as fashion statements, they are discarded into our dumps where they will take centuries to decompose.

You don’t have to be a crazy barefoot runner to save your feet from the trauma of shoes. Just let them out of the trap for a while. Take a barefoot walk around the block. Even just walking barefoot around your house can help. You might also repair or re-purpose your shoes when they show signs of wear rather than just tossing them in the trash.

Going Barefoot Gets You High

I am convinced that barefoot walking or running gets you high. Not only because everyone who sees you calls you crazy and thinks you’re stoned even though you’re not, but also because it forces you to slow down, to become conscious of your much ignored feet, and to feel the many various textures of the earth. Shoes numb us from the sensations of our planet. We sever ourselves from the earth. Exposing your feet to ground awakens nerves and sparks sensations all over your body. No wonder it ignites creative thoughts.

Even rain-wet concrete can be exhilarating. Sharp gravel keeps you in the moment–forcing mindful steps. Your brain quiets down when it’s trying to avoid pain. The worries and stress of the day float away. Your concern is to step forward safely. Sometimes you avoid the sharp rocks or maybe they avoid you.

But don’t take my word for. Take off your shoes and step outside. A world of experience awaits.

Blown Away

(Photo Courtesy of M. Smith)
The wind told me not run outside in the snow. It said it would help the snow with frostbite. Sometimes the wind and snow collude. They’re like sheriff’s in the old west who come together, realize they have power and decide to rob a bank instead of protect it.

Also, the wind can kill the moisture of your skin, giving you a chapped ugly face. One time my face got so chapped that it swelled up. I had black, well red puffy eyes, that were almost swollen completely shut from the inflammation. I looked like a dirty marshmallow monster.

To make things worse, I had a job interview. I manned up and went to interview, swollen face and all. I was able to talk my way into getting the job, but my boss turned out to be crazier than me, which is quite a feat. She fired me, re-hired me, then I just quit because I wasn’t making any money with her.

Maybe the wind filled her head with empty air. The wind is like that, very fickle, very unpredictable, but you have to love her. She lifts tons of steel, full of human zoo animals, and jets them across continents. You must respect the wind. Sometimes, she respects you back, whispering her warnings, plots, or stock tips. Just listen.

Run hard, run long, run bare. Be safe people in Internet Land. Know that I love you.

Soft Grass is Dangerous

One of the many joys in life is walking barefoot on wet grass. It’s like a foot massage from the hot Goddess Universe. But running barefoot on grass is packed with danger.

Many drunken teenagers, careless hicks, and serial polluters turn dreamy lawns into a runner’s nightmare. Camouflaged shards of glass, rusted nails, snapped screws, and wet feces of all kinds lurk between the gentle green blades of seductive lawns. If you know you are in a remote area, then running on the grass can be great, but in most cities, it must be done with great caution and should NOT be done completely bare.

Last week I almost stepped on a razor sharp shard from a green “rolling rock” beer bottle. It was embedded in a park lawn like those evil tire spikes at drive-in movies. If I had been running, I most definitely would have sliced my foot wide open. Those kinds of deep tissue injuries can become serious fast, especially when they attack your precious feet. Walking home with such an injury can easily lead to infection.

Beware the tempting green goddess, she can change into a bleeding red devil in a moment. For lawn running, it’s best to wear minimalist shoes. They offer much better protection against such dangers.

Mean Streets

The road takes much abuse. Cars scar its tough skin. They scrape and mar it. This agitates the surface. No wonder some streets chew up your feet. Sometimes, you can talk to the road. You can tell it you mean it no harm. You might say, “Oh mighty road, thanks for transporting me from place to place. I do my best to keep you safe from my fenders and steel. Please do be too hard on my feet.” When I do this, the road responds. It will alert me of rough patches, steer me from rocks, nails, and glass. It may seem a little crazy, but sometimes crazy works.

First Barefoot Runner’s Life Video

I hope you enjoy my first video and like my feet. Unless, of course, you’re a foot fetish person in which case please don’t get off on my feet. That’s CREEPY.

Future videos will have more instructional content and fewer text effects.