3 Ways to Stop Shoe Wearing Unicorns from Killing

It is a widely known fact that SHOE wearing unicorns get their malevolent energy from rainbows. The worst of them leech their power from rainbows in the dark. We call such unicorns “dark horses”. But it doesn’t take loving hearted barefoot zombie to stop them from killing. Here are three easy Ways to Stop Unicorns from massacring the ones you love.

  1. Don’t look at or stay near rainbows.

    Unicorns do most of their hunting near these colorful bends, minutes after feeding off their light energy. It’s perverse, but it is the secret to unicorn power–they, like Lucifer, are the light bringers. When the light is fresh and varied is when they are most dangerous. Do not underestimate the threat of these wicked beasts.

  2. Breath CLEAN AIR deeply and HOLD YOUR BREATH.

    If have the misfortune of coming close to a unicorn, calm yourself. Do NOT inhale the sparkles or stars that emanate from an approaching unicorn. These mesmerizing flashes are in fact a deadly poison that will put you to sleep while the unicorn feasts on your skin before sucking out your soul with his horn. You will be fully conscious during the entire ordeal. Unicorns cannot eat the flesh of the dead.

  3. Carry Salt with you at all times.

    The wicked cannot abide purifying salt. If you see a unicorn, do NOT run. Like all predators unicorns are chase animals. Their instinct is outrun their prey. Some malevolent unicorns have even undergone an atrocious mutation which gives them the ability to sprout wings, allowing them to mount an air strike against their victims. Stay calm if you can. Talk to the unicorn in a firm voice while reaching for your salt. Some reports from survivors indicate that unicorns are taken aback by human speech. It doesn’t stop their malicious attacks, but it does startle or surprise them. A handful will do. The salt will burn the unicorn, but there are some areas where the unicorn is especially vulnerable. The poll, crest, withers, and croup will cause serious pain, but will not disable the beast. For maximum damage, hit the bridge of the nose, the muzzle, the chest flank or stifle. Once the salt has worked its magic, run from the brute. Make sure you report the incident to the local authorities so they can send a out a zombie crew to deal with the problem.

It is possible to survive in a world of terrifying unicorns. You just need to use your head. Also take off your shoes. Unicorns don’t like barefoot people. Stay tuned. Next week I’ll tell you how to properly love and care for a barefoot zombie.