- Christmas Shoes. All this song needs is some Maple leaves because it has plenty of sap. Imagine Tiny Tim, minus crutches, buying his sick, bedridden Momma shoes she’ll never wear. In his Impoverished Consumer Whore Brain, Jesus wants his followers to come into the Kingdom wearing Stilettos. What a FAIL, Christ was a bare-footer. I don’t think he’d kick sick parents to curb for arriving at His door without footwear. That said, this song still makes my mamma cry, which strangely makes me want to buy her fancy shoes–even though the thought repels. What can I say, I’m Not Perfect and I love my mommy.
- I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. Gayle Peevy, even her name is annoying. Mrs. Peevy took upon herself the mantle of ruining all holiday cheer with her shrill voice and sassy songs. Her music stabs its way through your ears into your spinal chord where it completely terrorizes your nervous system while it attempts to scramble your auditory cortex causing seizures and other mental disorders. Luckily, her music killed off most of the DJs who played it. So, it’s relatively obscure.
- Grandma Got Run Over by Reindeer. Another song with an ill woman–what’s up with sickness and Christmas? Well this ill Granny is also drunk and she gets her skull cracked by an Elf molesting Santa, leaving Grandpa free to be a booze it up as a wild hillbilly in peace. How Nice. I can’t believe they play this song on radio. It makes me want to take a shower.
Well, enough my holiday Grinchery.
Happy Holidays. May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease. Blessings.