Exclusive Interview with Gorn

My Exclusive Interview with Gorn, the Mighty

Valen (v): What is it like to be a reptilian humanoid?

Gorn (g): I’m not a reptilian humanoid.

v: But you have scales, teeth, and a forked tongue.

g: Fish have scales. I’m not a fish.

v: Your logic is infallible.

g: I kick ass at logic. I’ll beat any Vulcan in a logic brawl.

v: I was being ironic. But Vulcans are pretty logical.

g: I’m logicaler. That’s how I killed Lieutenant Kirk.

v: You didn’t kill Captain Kirk; he kicked your ass in that episode.

g: Lieutenant Kirk tasted like a hot and crispy Onion Rings. I am deeply saddened that I did not have some zesty dipping sauce for him.

v: I think you’re a few pages short of a novel. Did you eat his shoes too?

g: No, Lieutenant Kirk was barefoot.

v: What are you talking about? Captain Kirk was wearing USS Enterprise Federation issued boots.

g: I was wearing the Romulan issued boots you speak of. I run in them all the time. Boots are the best way to run.

v: Your were shoeless in that episode. Besides, I’d rather run with broken beer bottles on my feet than run in boots.

g: How would you know about the many comforts and wonders of Romulan boots. You just want to argue.


v: But, you weren’t wearing boots in that episode. You were clearly shoeless. Look at this picture.

Start Trek Gorn barefoot
The Gorn Captain bare foot.

g: I see that you are not interested in logical discussion, just wrestling with words. Have brought the required sacrifice of lambs, goats, and pigs?

v: Yes. Can we down to the topic of barefoot running?

g: We were on the topic of barefoot running. It’s stupid and it’s bad for you.

v: How so?

g: Isn’t it obvious? Shoes are made for running. If you run without shoes it’s bad for you. You can’t fight logic.

v: There’s no logic in that argument.

g: That’s totally choke-you-out, infallible logic. You just can’t see it because you’re an illogical hippie.

v: I’m too young to be a hippie.

g: Hippie is as hippie does. Send in the clowns–I mean goats.

v: An interesting slip, Gorn. Do you like clowns?

g: I don’t eat clowns

v: Why not?

g: They taste like hippies.

v: What’s wrong with hippies?

g: They taste like clowns.

v: I see. I was hoping to get at barefoot running.

g: You are just trying to make me spit fireballs. I already told you barefoot running is great for your health.

v: You said it was bad and stupid.

g: Are you calling me a liar?

v: I think you might have misspoken.

g: Oh, so you’re calling me stupid. Gorn the mighty, the universe’s toughest logician.

v: No, I’m calling you fallible.

g: You dare speak to Gorn the mighty with such disrespect!? Typical hippie when your logic crumbles, you attack the reptile, I mean the human.

v: Aha! You admit you’re a reptilian.

g: Have you seen “Black Swan”?

v: Don’t change the subject.

g: Have you?

v: Yes, I wasn’t all that impressed with it.

g: You remind of the lizard in that movie.

v: I don’t recall a lizard

g: Yes, the bulgy eyed lizard in that movie–the one that lied to the townspeople.

v: I think you’re thinking of the movie Rango, not Black Swan.

g: It was Black Swan, you are the black swan that told everyone you were a crack shot and then made the whole town die of thirst.

v: Rango saves the town in that movie.

g: The black swan kills the whole town and the rattle snake eats them. I hope you’re happy.

Shortly after this interview, Gorn attempted to eat what he thought was a goat, but what was in reality a rusty propane tank.

Gorn the Mighty
Gorn, the Mighty. Dead after barefoot runners life exclusive interview. RIP


Rest In Pieces, Gorn the Mighty. May you sleep better than I spell.

5 Reasons to Take Off Your Shoes

  1. Bare Footing Strengthens your Feet

    Shoes stifle your foot, pushing it into an unnatural shape. Once released from the tiny prison of fabric, your feet expand and the weak muscles get a much needed workout.

  2. Going Bare Increases Walking, Jogging, and Running Pleasure

    You can’t feel the warm, smooth asphalt, the soft wet grass, or the even the fluffy, marshmallow carpet with a barrier of rubber between your feet and the ground. Walking outside bare foot awakens the many nerves of your feet, adding another dimension to running and walking. I am convinced that it also gives you extra energy.

  3. Bare Footing Improves your Balance

    As the muscles of your feet strengthen, your balance dramatically improves. I can stand solid and steady on one foot–something I could NOT do when I wore shoes.

  4. Bare Footing Helps Save the Planet

    If you do wear shoes, going bare every once in awhile will decrease wear. As a result, your shoes will last longer and will be less likely to end up in a dump where they will take ages to decompose. In a small way, you decrease pollution by going bare.

  5. It Improves your Posture

    Since the transfer and distribution of weight is better when your standing or moving in bare feet, your posture automatically improves. The muscles in your legs, waist and back, swing into action. Better posture means, easier breathing, better circulation, and an overall mood boost.

Bare-footing in Cold Weather Rules!

I just got back from a barefoot walk jog. I was sick of the rat-race treadmill.

Walking straight barefoot on snow and ice makes my feet laugh. It is NOT that painful when done in short spurts. I love sliding along the frosty, wet surface. It reminds of running through puddles at Willow Park when I was a kid. Why in the HELL did I ever stop? It thrilled me then as much as thrills me today.

Walking around the neighborhood without shoes in this frigid winter is a revelation. I feel twenty years younger. It’s hilarious to see the other adults scowl at me. I can hear their thoughts, “Grown man should know better than expose himself to the chill like that. Why he’ll catch a cold.” They usually just say, “Put some shoes on!”, I tell them shoes are for weak feet. I think that such people secretly they wish they had the infinitesimal amount of courage it takes to do it themselves. I seriously wonder how many people live an die without walking barefoot in the snow? It’s tragic.

One drawback, the roads are full of the pyramid of pain pebbles. These things are 3-d arrow heads that spike into your foot. Anyway you flip them, leaves a sharp point waiting to bite into your luscious feet. I wonder if the road feeds on bare-footers every now and then. Luckily, I spotted most of them. Plus, my feet are getting tougher. It’s pretty cool, I can walk firmly on rough sidewalks that used to give me grief. I’m super stoked. Barefooting RULES.

3 Ways to Stop Shoe Wearing Unicorns from Killing

It is a widely known fact that SHOE wearing unicorns get their malevolent energy from rainbows. The worst of them leech their power from rainbows in the dark. We call such unicorns “dark horses”. But it doesn’t take loving hearted barefoot zombie to stop them from killing. Here are three easy Ways to Stop Unicorns from massacring the ones you love.

  1. Don’t look at or stay near rainbows.

    Unicorns do most of their hunting near these colorful bends, minutes after feeding off their light energy. It’s perverse, but it is the secret to unicorn power–they, like Lucifer, are the light bringers. When the light is fresh and varied is when they are most dangerous. Do not underestimate the threat of these wicked beasts.

  2. Breath CLEAN AIR deeply and HOLD YOUR BREATH.

    If have the misfortune of coming close to a unicorn, calm yourself. Do NOT inhale the sparkles or stars that emanate from an approaching unicorn. These mesmerizing flashes are in fact a deadly poison that will put you to sleep while the unicorn feasts on your skin before sucking out your soul with his horn. You will be fully conscious during the entire ordeal. Unicorns cannot eat the flesh of the dead.

  3. Carry Salt with you at all times.

    The wicked cannot abide purifying salt. If you see a unicorn, do NOT run. Like all predators unicorns are chase animals. Their instinct is outrun their prey. Some malevolent unicorns have even undergone an atrocious mutation which gives them the ability to sprout wings, allowing them to mount an air strike against their victims. Stay calm if you can. Talk to the unicorn in a firm voice while reaching for your salt. Some reports from survivors indicate that unicorns are taken aback by human speech. It doesn’t stop their malicious attacks, but it does startle or surprise them. A handful will do. The salt will burn the unicorn, but there are some areas where the unicorn is especially vulnerable. The poll, crest, withers, and croup will cause serious pain, but will not disable the beast. For maximum damage, hit the bridge of the nose, the muzzle, the chest flank or stifle. Once the salt has worked its magic, run from the brute. Make sure you report the incident to the local authorities so they can send a out a zombie crew to deal with the problem.

It is possible to survive in a world of terrifying unicorns. You just need to use your head. Also take off your shoes. Unicorns don’t like barefoot people. Stay tuned. Next week I’ll tell you how to properly love and care for a barefoot zombie.

Going Barefoot Gets You High

I am convinced that barefoot walking or running gets you high. Not only because everyone who sees you calls you crazy and thinks you’re stoned even though you’re not, but also because it forces you to slow down, to become conscious of your much ignored feet, and to feel the many various textures of the earth. Shoes numb us from the sensations of our planet. We sever ourselves from the earth. Exposing your feet to ground awakens nerves and sparks sensations all over your body. No wonder it ignites creative thoughts.

Even rain-wet concrete can be exhilarating. Sharp gravel keeps you in the moment–forcing mindful steps. Your brain quiets down when it’s trying to avoid pain. The worries and stress of the day float away. Your concern is to step forward safely. Sometimes you avoid the sharp rocks or maybe they avoid you.

But don’t take my word for. Take off your shoes and step outside. A world of experience awaits.