Here’s a Quick Way to Laugh or Roll your Eyes

 

Some Silly Stick Captions.
Caption #1:
I told you the new ginsus were sharp!

Caption#2:
OK, OK, I admit it: you can take this minimalist lifestyle thing too far. 

 

 

 

 

Caption#1:
That’s what happens when you watch too much TV.
Caption#2:
What people look like to someone suffering from an acute case of Pacman fever. 

 

 

 

 

Caption#1:
What your spouse looks standing in the doorway after your first ultra.
Caption#2:
The first thing everyone looks at when they attend their own funeral.
Caption#3:
A Grisly Bear’s Trophy Wall.

 

Dear CREATIVE PORTAL:
It’s Lame to Have a Blog Post about Image Captions with Images to Caption and Nothing asking visitors Not Hotlink WHILE PERMITTING HOT-LINKING. Then for no good reason, just turning off Hot-Linking. That’s screwy. I wouldn’t have hot-linked had I known. When you urge people to caption your photos in a blog post about blog ideas, you have to expect your readers to assume that hot-linking is OK. I mean, it is a post for bloggers who want to BLOG captions for the IMAGES–at least make download links or mention “No hotlinks”. I came home from a nice hike and was greeted with busted post. I had re-create the images from memory. What is this the 90s!?

 

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How I turned my Legs into Calorie Burning Machines

Muscles of the front of the leg.
Image via Wikipedia

My lower leg has transformed into a beautiful piece of art. Were I to shave it, it could serve as a shining example of the muscles of the lower leg; you can almost see the fibers of my tibialis anterior; heck I never even knew I had a muscle on the front of my leg. My new and improved lower leg is balanced, beautiful and it burns more calories with each step.

Why does it burn more calories?

As you may know I’m recovering from a torn soleus. I ripped it by doing too many eccentric heel drops and attempting to “run  through lower leg pain”. Big mistake. But I learned my lesson.

Whilst recovering from the injury I supplanted my running regime with some of my wife’s Jillian Michaels workouts. Her program focuses on 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio and one minute of abs.

Ironically, it’s the strength portion that leads me to believe that barefooting burns more calories. The exercises in the strength portion involve a lot of movement. For example, Jillian has you do bicep curls as  you do lunges. The idea is to work more muscles at once; thereby burning more calories. By burning more calories, she assures me that I’ll be able to fit into that “strapless dress”. (HMMM, I don’t think the neighbors would be too keen on a barefoot Indian dude with tattoos running down the street in a strapless dress.  )

So, what the heck does that have to with barefooting? Remember my new lower leg?  Walking barefoot puts all of the muscles of your lower leg into action. So much so, that lower leg and foot shape have visibly changed. Since barefooting puts more muscles to work, it stands to reason that it burns more calories. Probably not a truckload more, but step by step a little more than shoes.

 

 

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Barefooting at Timberline Lodge

The Overlook (Timberline Lodge) as seen in a s...
Image via Wikipedia

I am lucky and honored to live in Sandy, OR. We’re minutes from majestic Mount Hood. My wife and I often drive up to Timberline Lodge to hike around. If you’ve ever seen Kubrick’s frightening movie, The Shining, then you’ve seen the exterior of the Timberline.

 

Cover of
Cover of The Shining

Lodge. I still get chills when I see the scene with the twins.

But this is the first year I’ve hiked Timberline barefoot. Wow! What a difference no shoes makes! The ground up there offers so many exciting textures; it’s rocky, but not as hard on your feet as you would think. The best part of hiking up there was the patches of snow! After tromping through each tiny field of the icy delight, my feet were greeted with warm gravel earth. The blood rushed to my soles filling them with a pleasant sensation that crept up to my ankles.

It was the Mt. Hood Mountain Massage. And I consider it a great honor. I’ve hiked there many times before but I feel much more connected with place now that I’ve hiked it barefoot. You get the sense that you’re interacting with mountain–almost having a dialogue with it.

Of course got some wicked glances from shod folk who must have thought I was crazy to be up there barefoot. (I did, however, bring a pack with snow emergency gear–yes there were warm shoes in there. I’m not stupid. I respect the mountain weather.) But I also got an unexpected compliment. As I was crossing a snow barefoot a little girl tugged on her momy’s arm and said, “Mommy mommy, can I take off my shoes and walk in the snow!” Her mother said, “No, dear; of course not.” But I couldn’t help laughing. Deep down everyone wants to walk barefoot in the snow. It’s almost as fun as skinny dipping in the Old Salmon River.

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Secret Trick that Makes any Woman Horny (Guest Post)

GUEST POST by Guido La Brone (aka The Sausage Party)

 

Bikini Model
Image by memoflores via Flickr

My name is Guido La Brone and I want to share a secret with you. I wasn’t always the player I am today. I stumbled across this trick at a night club. I was tired if getting turned down for steamy one night stands and my hand was really sore. In a flash, the answer came to me.

This trick is so easy anyone can do it. It doesn’t matter what you look like, skinny, fat, in shape, out of shape, but you do need some money or access to someone who likes guitars.

OK here’s the secret trick to making any woman instantly horny:

Dress real nice, put on some gold chains and classy  outfit, something with silk. And give her some trumpets, saxophones, or tubas. You got yourself one horny woman!

Rose Sanderson Women's suffragists demonstrate...
Image via Wikipedia

 

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Pain from a Strain? Or sore from a chore?

Is it a sore muscle or is it a torn muscle? The knowing the difference can save you

Muscle long fléchisseur de l'hallux
Image via Wikipedia

weeks of rehab (but if you do end up with a  full rupture, you can use that time to learn French so you can read the diagram on the right).

Muscle damage from ripping all or some of  the muscle fibers and the tendons attached to the muscle can occur from suddenly overloading the muscle too fast or from chronic overuse and insufficient recovery. Sudden unexplained pain in a muscle may be s symptom of DEADLY medical condition, if muscle pain comes from nowhere, seek medical attention ASAP. It could save your life.

Le Signs of Muscle Strain:

  • Pain in muscle during periods of rest and inactivity.
  • Weakness or Inability to contract the muscle.
  • Bruising, often the bruises will travel. So, there may be bruising near your ankle even though the pain is in your calf.

(This post is officially over. But here is an exciting “deleted” scene. And by deleted I mean completely included.)

Medical advice from a barefoot runner who is NOT a medical professional or reptilian humanoid:

Ice packs or wraps will alleviate swelling. Apply immediately and for no longer than twenty minutes at a time. Slightly stretch/elongate the muscle for best results. Don’t apply heat too early! OMG, you will regret it. I used wet heat the first night of my calf strain. The next day it felt like rats had gnawed it and the twitchy spasms drove me insane. Heat should be applied by the injured party when the swelling has decreased.

Deleted Scene Commentary:

When the passive voice is used by me, I like to add weak,lifeless phrases such as “the injured party”. It reminds of all the bad writing I committed in Mr. Edwards English class. He would write “AWK” in red ink next to almost every sentence of mine. But the awkward phrases were my favorite ones. I never changed them. I let them tumble around the page. When I read them again, they would project many stupid images into my brain’s theater.  Now playing: “Injured Party”.  A ripped “happy birthday” banner slithers in the wind,  below it a tangle of unhappy hunched figures in blue suits and gray, Victorian dresses; at their feet: wet confetti, popped balloons, and spilled punch bowls. Now that is an “injured party”.) OK that was “AWK. You need to re-write this. Come see me after class, we to talk about your grades.”

DIY Running Sandals / Authentic Barefoot Shoes

DIY Sandal
Do It Yourself Tarahumara / Ruramari

Have you ever wanted to make your own running shoes? Steven makes it easy with his step by step Tarahumara Running Sandal Kits. He shows you everything you need to know to build a custom running sandal.

If you’re not into DIY, Invisible Shoes will also cut and construct a custom shoe for you. You just trace your foot and mail them the template.

If you’re going to run in a barefoot shoe, but don’t want to spend too much money for a running sandal, I highly recommend Invisible Shoes.

BTW, you can use Steven’s  excellent instructional videos to make your own Tarahumara running sandals out of other materials. I built some out of cardboard, oven mitts, and an old doormat. I use the oven-mit sandals for treadmill running. (The cardboard sandals were a joke.)

 

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5 Ways Barefoot Running Beats Bicycling

Cyclist Léon Georget in 1909.
Image via Wikipedia

I am recovering from a strained soleus. No I did NOT strain running barefoot. I strained it because I thought I was strengthening my Achilles. I did eccentric heel drops, an effective Achilles strengthener and treatment for sore Achilles, the heels drops overloaded my sore soleus, I kept doing them, turning a sore muscle into a full blown strain. That’s where the crappy bike riding comes in. Whilst riding, I realized why I am a barefoot runner and not a bicyclist. (I would just ride my unicycle, but the unicycle is different animal from the bike. It is much better. Unlike a two wheeled bike, the unicycle  swings all of your leg and core into action. I know that just mounting it would put pressure on my tender soleus.)

  1. Bicycles boil your but. Even the soft seats are a pain after a while. Having the constant pressure of the hard saddle leads to to a super sore, bruised butt.
  2. Bicycles cost big bucks. They’re not exactly money pits and they do beat rising gas pricing. But they are expensive. And do require maintenance from time to time.
  3. Ugly Clothes. You have to wear spandex shorts, a tight shirt, and a helmet, none of which are very comfortable or fashionable.
  4. Flat tires and maintenance. Changing tires on the side of the road is a hassle, even if you have the right tools.
  5. Just a quad workout. Yes, bikes do work your arms too, but the major muscle is the quad. My quads are fine, I hate they way they look when I bike a like. My leg feels out of balance. Barefoot running gives you sexy balanced legs and feet.
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10 Killer Barefoot Running Comebacks

Cartoon by Valen It’s summer. Time to hit the streets bare. But every rose has its thorns. Bare-footing in summer is no different. Creeping from summer shadows are the slack jawed hecklers. This swarm of idiots will make it their purpose to harass and hurl insults. Their inane question of choice:

Where are your Shoes?

It is almost as disturbing as it is ridiculous that these people somehow think that YOUR SHOES or lack thereof will affect THEIR LIFE. Why else would they ask? They see that you’re running. I hope they don’t expect you stop mid stride to strike up conversation with them. No. They’re not interested in engaging in a real conversation. The cold, dirty truth is that they aren’t asking for an answer; they’re calling you an idiot. Not outright; instead of being brave, they’re cloaking it in a question. Insecure people hide behind questions all the time. Their passive aggressive verbal attack is a feeble attempt to make their massively insignificant selves feel superior to someone they do not consider to be a threat. Usually, I let the snide comments slide, but sometimes I feel feisty. If you’re tired of listening the claptrap of the shod AND stupid, here are some potent barefoot zingers.

Where are your shoes?

  1. Only smart people can see them.
  2. Running barefoot strengthens bone. The bones in my feet are almost as strong as the one in your head.
  3. Sometimes less is more; unfortunately for you, that does NOT apply to IQ.
  4. You don’t need shoes to run. Your mouth has proven that.
  5. My feet love the open air. Maybe they can run inside your head sometime.
  6. My feet don’t need shoes, but your mouth could use a brain.
  7. Not on my feet. If you were a quarter as smart as a half wit, you’d have tripled your IQ.
  8. Running without shoes gives me magic power: It forces all the world class idiots within range to ask me about my shoes.
  9. I’ll put shoes on my feet if you put duct tape on your mouth.
  10. Where’s your tail? (Pause). Because I see a horse’s ass, but no tail.

“If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.”
–J. Russell Lynes quotes

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The Secret to Superhuman Feet Finally Revealed

Have you ever wished for steel feet?

Ballerinas have unlocked the secret to superhuman foot strength. Ballet is insanely hard on feet; dancers suffer the same types of repetitive foot and strain injuries that barefoot runners have to endure. Ballerinas also have to abide by strict schedules and rigorous training. Over the years they have developed a system of strengthening their feet to superhuman levels. Here are some of their secrets.

  1. Secret Ballet Foot Stretches

    Ballerina Foot Stretches.

  2. Esoteric Top of Foot and Toe Stretches

    Secret Stretch moves.

  3. The Occult Power of Ballerina Footwear

    Ballerina Flats are ideal for barefoot runners, they have all of the qualities of “barefoot shoes” without the nasty mark-up. They are also designed to mold to the your foot and are perfectly suited to running.

    The Samra Ballet Flat/Barefoot Running Shoe is particularly suited to barefoot running. Flats are slightly less breathable than some of the expensive barefoot shoes, but they work just as well and cost a heck of lot less.

  4. Sublime Energy of the Tutu

    There is a mysterious quality to fabric of the tutu. It is both opaque and transparent. If a man wears a tutu while he runs barefoot, it will make other drunken males want to chase him, thereby increasing his speed training. Plus, he’ll look absolutely fabulous whilst staying in shape.

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