Exclusive Interview with Gorn

My Exclusive Interview with Gorn, the Mighty

Valen (v): What is it like to be a reptilian humanoid?

Gorn (g): I’m not a reptilian humanoid.

v: But you have scales, teeth, and a forked tongue.

g: Fish have scales. I’m not a fish.

v: Your logic is infallible.

g: I kick ass at logic. I’ll beat any Vulcan in a logic brawl.

v: I was being ironic. But Vulcans are pretty logical.

g: I’m logicaler. That’s how I killed Lieutenant Kirk.

v: You didn’t kill Captain Kirk; he kicked your ass in that episode.

g: Lieutenant Kirk tasted like a hot and crispy Onion Rings. I am deeply saddened that I did not have some zesty dipping sauce for him.

v: I think you’re a few pages short of a novel. Did you eat his shoes too?

g: No, Lieutenant Kirk was barefoot.

v: What are you talking about? Captain Kirk was wearing USS Enterprise Federation issued boots.

g: I was wearing the Romulan issued boots you speak of. I run in them all the time. Boots are the best way to run.

v: Your were shoeless in that episode. Besides, I’d rather run with broken beer bottles on my feet than run in boots.

g: How would you know about the many comforts and wonders of Romulan boots. You just want to argue.


v: But, you weren’t wearing boots in that episode. You were clearly shoeless. Look at this picture.

Start Trek Gorn barefoot
The Gorn Captain bare foot.

g: I see that you are not interested in logical discussion, just wrestling with words. Have brought the required sacrifice of lambs, goats, and pigs?

v: Yes. Can we down to the topic of barefoot running?

g: We were on the topic of barefoot running. It’s stupid and it’s bad for you.

v: How so?

g: Isn’t it obvious? Shoes are made for running. If you run without shoes it’s bad for you. You can’t fight logic.

v: There’s no logic in that argument.

g: That’s totally choke-you-out, infallible logic. You just can’t see it because you’re an illogical hippie.

v: I’m too young to be a hippie.

g: Hippie is as hippie does. Send in the clowns–I mean goats.

v: An interesting slip, Gorn. Do you like clowns?

g: I don’t eat clowns

v: Why not?

g: They taste like hippies.

v: What’s wrong with hippies?

g: They taste like clowns.

v: I see. I was hoping to get at barefoot running.

g: You are just trying to make me spit fireballs. I already told you barefoot running is great for your health.

v: You said it was bad and stupid.

g: Are you calling me a liar?

v: I think you might have misspoken.

g: Oh, so you’re calling me stupid. Gorn the mighty, the universe’s toughest logician.

v: No, I’m calling you fallible.

g: You dare speak to Gorn the mighty with such disrespect!? Typical hippie when your logic crumbles, you attack the reptile, I mean the human.

v: Aha! You admit you’re a reptilian.

g: Have you seen “Black Swan”?

v: Don’t change the subject.

g: Have you?

v: Yes, I wasn’t all that impressed with it.

g: You remind of the lizard in that movie.

v: I don’t recall a lizard

g: Yes, the bulgy eyed lizard in that movie–the one that lied to the townspeople.

v: I think you’re thinking of the movie Rango, not Black Swan.

g: It was Black Swan, you are the black swan that told everyone you were a crack shot and then made the whole town die of thirst.

v: Rango saves the town in that movie.

g: The black swan kills the whole town and the rattle snake eats them. I hope you’re happy.

Shortly after this interview, Gorn attempted to eat what he thought was a goat, but what was in reality a rusty propane tank.

Gorn the Mighty
Gorn, the Mighty. Dead after barefoot runners life exclusive interview. RIP


Rest In Pieces, Gorn the Mighty. May you sleep better than I spell.

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